A cousin to the 'how do you wipe your arse thread'.

De-clothe and scratch it.

I've outsourced the job to a company in Sheffield.

in the office?

Plus a discreet finger sniff no doubt.

Absolutely. One foot up on the desk if needs be.

Cheek or crack?

Take Pripsin!!

or alternatively if you are not wearing white skiddies give it a darn good excavation!!

Are we talking bum in general, or more specifically sphincter? Could be a case of Nobby Stiles.

Ringpiece

Loo brush..

Chalfonts it is then.

mine or someone else's?

If i am in view i will try to slyly scratch it on the chair while adjusting my sitting position.

I tell myself it is completely imperceptable though in reality it's probably as obvious as a dog dragging himself around a carpet with his back legs in the air.

Cheese grater...

easy:

Buy a bidet and improve your arsehole hygene

Visit the STD clinic

Love spoon.

you need the clag-gone

Oh I know this one...

pour white wine on it... open a window... and use two tennis rackets.

Antibacterial baby wipes. Acute localised pain then a very clean feeling. My wife stopped buying them because she thought I was using them on the kids too much. I didn't have the balls to tell the truth. They were great. Second only to the scouring effect of a really good shit.

LOL are you really that stupid that you have to ask a bunch of internet addicts how to deal with an itchy butt? Can't you figure it out for yourself? I wouldn't be surprised if you still wore a nappy.

i find potatoes are useful in releaving me of this itch ...

watch out for those that get stuck though ...

i love how dogs deal with it.

Present it to be sniffed by all and sundry?

no. what they straighten their hind legs out and point them to the skies and pull forward with their front legs. it looks so damn funny!

You could try putting something particularly cringeworthy on your computer screen, for example an all users email from that bloke in accounts complaining about the coffee machine swallowing his 10p, or an episode of 'the office' - that way, your posterior peregrinations might be interpreted as squirms of embarrassment rather than a desperate attempt to quell a persistent rectal itch.

You present your itchy arse to a nearby dog? Or dogs? How DO they deal with it? Do you do this often?

Dogs tongues are too soft to give a good rasping clean, even after you smear Winalot around your ringpiece, however, a liberal application of salmon paste and the rough tongue of your neighbours cat seems to do the trick every time..

You have worms.

Presumably Globus would use Fortnum & Mason Gentlemans relish.

OS talking about smearing Gentleman's Relish around his ringpiece.

At least the resultant stain on your pants would roughly the right colour. Salmon paste would make my wife think I had pink shit.

I heard your doctor needed a urine, stool and semen sample from you so your wife gave him a pair of your Y-Fronts.

He uses an ebony arse-scratcher, inlaid with gold and ivory, which was presented to him by the Royal Geographical Society to commemorate his solo circumnavigation of the globe using an escritoire and a copy of the Daily Telegraph as a sail (he finished the crossword while putting out of Plymouth Sound).

Would that be a pleonasm ? [/threadjack]

Top new word. Though not sure how it would work as a sail.